Jun 20
Its back. Got tired of being snuck up on.
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Jun 20
Jun 17
Jun 17
Jun 16
Jun 15
i hate them….spending the day with my sis-in-law put so many things into perspective. Its truly funny how many people go through the exact same situations yet we think our own is unique.
i’ve gotten over my hangups now…i was never really myself and i always found that odd and couldnt figure out why, but whatever the reason, it means that i must stop trying to pursue something that isn’t worth it. So. DONE and DONE. =D
And it looks like I wont be getting my little scooter anytime soon. She also talked me out of that too. Besides the seat was uncomfortable…it hurt my junk. =P
Stupid pedestals. sometimes, reality is the hardest thing to accept. I’ve accepted mine…fully and completely…finally.
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Jun 14
Jun 14
Jun 13
it is close to midnight as i write this and I am back on edge…and I think (hope) I figured out the culprit. The lack of smoking anything has been a factor but its deeper than that. Walking home I dont know if what I think is the cause is the reason, but it really hasnt helped. My nerves began to fry with the sound of all of the passing cars and my good ear began to hurt. I felt my heart begin to race and my jaw begin to clench and my breaths were getting deeper and deeper.
As i struggled to find a quieter route home, my mind began to race on all the moments during this week and in the past where this had occurred. And it was mostly during noisy situations especially where I did not have any control or able to focus on a particular sound or rhythm to help me calmly get over it. Then it dawned on me that most of the time when I am in a situation like that I am not sober, which I dont know if it helps or if it just helps me cope better. Its the fucking noise of the world that puts me on edge!
One thing I know is that this newfound sobriety and lack of smoking has put me on edge. The only solace being when I have my headphones in my ears or at the beach. Playing music or not. It dulls the outside world’s noise and seems to help my brain focus. Focus. Focus.
I realized today that the reason why I love Leo Carrillo is because there are no people there. Its quiet. Just the soothing sounds of the ocean waves hitting the rocks and the shore along with the wind.
My brain and body seek isolation while my emotional side seeks companionship. I am going to have to give in to what the brain and body want…2 to 1. This week has been a roller-coaster and I realize that I would much rather be alone than try and pursue friendships and whatnot because everyone says that’s the norm. I. am. not. normal.
Peace. Quiet. Ocean. Solitude.
Truly me against the world. At first it was just a joke, but now I see it as a necessity.
I guess if you want something bad enough, it truly does come true…fuck. me.
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Jun 13
I have to live by the ocean. After what seemed like a day that would
never end and a week where all I wanted to do was strangle someone
being back here makes me feel at peace.
The sound of the ocean. The cool air. The salty smell. This is what I
was searching for. What was missing. I had wasted a lot of time and
money on the wrong thing.
I thought dating or cigarettes would do it but I quit and cigs never
really did anything for me. I thought it was because I needed to go
out and see ppl but that didnt help either.
Its the simple act of being by the ocean again. Where it all makes
sense.
Now my head is clear and I can get on with editing. Some ppl stayed on
my list that shouldn’t have made it thru the last round. To them all i
can say is No more free rides.
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